Peace In Turmoil Peace in Turmoil

Posted by Guest Blogger on March 8, 2018 in Faith, Guest Blogger

I was exhausted and in a fog. 

To say the day was a whirlwind would be an understatement.  I had given birth to my baby just that morning, and now lay in my stiff hospital bed as the neonatologist sat in a chair next to me and rehashed the day’s trauma: cord prolapse, crash C-section, ambulance rides, a three-day-long hypothermia treatment and “moderate brain damage.”

“It could go either way,” she said.  “He could grow up and you may not know a single thing happened, or it could show itself as severe brain damage.”

“What does that look like? Severe brain damage?”  I asked, trying to grasp the enormity of our situation.

“Well, in that case he may not walk, talk, or eat on his own.  We just won’t know until he continues to grow.”

As the night shifted into the first hours of morning, I lay awake in the dark and eerie quiet, eyes fixed to the wall, mind blank except for one pounding thought on repeat:

My baby has brain damage.
My baby has brain damage.
My baby has brain damage.

And right there, just like that, is where He met me. 

He spoke clearly a verse I had heard over and over but had never truly understood the gravity of it all: I go before you.  I am with you and I won’t leave you.

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you.  He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

Those words?  That verse?  That’s where I found peace. 

Not once did the Lord tell me that my son would be healed, that he would lead a life filled with everything we dreamed of for our first-born, that this nightmare would one day become a distant memory.  Nope.

But what did He promise?  He would tromp through the hard with us.  He wasn’t going to abandon us.  He was already there.  He already knew the ending of this story, and he was going to equip us with everything we needed to be the best parents to this child, no matter what that entailed.

Our world pits “turmoil” and “peace” against each other, but in the Lord they can be synchronized.   A candle’s opportunity to show off is in the dark.  The Lord’s opportunity to “show off” is in the darkness of anxiety, depression, chaos, and unknown.  And to me, one of the most moving ways he shows off is by providing a “peace that transcends all understanding” in those times the world says that peace is contradictory to my circumstances.

As much as I love my child, I am the Lord’s child and He loves me infinitely more. 

His love comes with a promise that we don’t have to do one second of this life alone.

I don’t know about you, but for me anxiety rises when I don’t know what to expect.  When I don’t know what is coming and how I’m going to handle it.  But God’s not calling me to know how.  He’s calling me to be still; to lean into Him and follow the path He’s already established.

When I am unsure, He is comfort. When I am fearful, He is composed. When I am anxious, He is peace.

And guess what’s great about our God?  He’s a giver.  He forever extended to us the peace that He is when He extended Himself on that cross.  All that is required of us is to un-clench our white-knuckled fists of faux-control and trust that He is with us and has gone before us; to know with all our being that the King of Kings has already established our steps and our sole job is to lean into Him, accepting His gift of incomprehensible peace.

Megan O'Connell

Megan O’Connell

Megan O’Connell is an educator turned stay at home mommy. She taught preschool and elementary school before deciding to be home full time with her silly and sassy little boy. Megan is driven by real relationships that support and encourage one another, by being transparent about the yuck along with the fun.  You can find her at Mothering the Toddling, where she blogs along side her dear friend about building community, secondary infertility, and motherhood shenanigans.

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2 comments... (add a comment)

  1. Julie

    Megan, your words are like an anthem to my own journey. In turmoil He brings peace. His candle is meant to shine in the darkness. Thank you for sharing your story. It reminds me to seek Him in the hard places because He is there.

  2. What a beautiful post. I’ve noticed nowadays that for people of great faith facing struggles… Even then, God doesn’t just tell us the future and then fix it all. Something about the whole arrangement offers us something better, something even more enduring. Loved you post and I enjoy your blog!

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